Appropos of nothing thread.

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

Me: "Here's a mathematical proof that our encryption implementation is sufficiently secure."

 

Manager to remain nameless: "That's unacceptable.  You're not qualified to do the math."

 

Me: "I'm a published physicist, and you have a PhD in decision making.  You're not even qualified to judge my qualifications."

 

I could be fired for that.  I honestly don't mind at this point.

[Uncle Joe]

So I was referred to a specialist awhile back. After no contact I called and was instructed to go to their website and complete all their forms before they could help me. So I completed them and handed them is person since they don't answer phone calls.

Form: What is your preferred method of contact: phone, e-mail or text?

Me: e-mail
Doctor's office: Unleash the text monkeys!

[Ann]

[CarpetCrawler]

11 hours ago, Ann said:

 

And how !!

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

Been dealing with security audits for the past two months...

 

Auditor: "We need screen shots to prove this isn't a security finding."

 

Me: Screen shots of what?

 

"Whatever proves this isn't a finding."

*Sends screen shots of code*

 

"That won't work.  We need different screen shots."

 

But of what???

 

 

"Just send us screen shots!!!!"  

 

 

Jesus &#%$ing wept, these people.    I'm going to send them a screenshot of the t-shirt I'm having made: "Save a Solutions Architect, Shoot an Auditor."

[devnull]

1 hour ago, Crap Throwing Clavin said:

Been dealing with security audits for the past two months...

 

Auditor: "We need screen shots to prove this isn't a security finding."

 

Me: Screen shots of what?

 

"Whatever proves this isn't a finding."

*Sends screen shots of code*

 

"That won't work.  We need different screen shots."

 

But of what???

 

 

"Just send us screen shots!!!!"  

 

 

Jesus &#%$ing wept, these people.    I'm going to send them a screenshot of the t-shirt I'm having made: "Save a Solutions Architect, Shoot an Auditor."

 

Where I work, STIGs are submitted quarterly

 

On more than one occasion, some paper pushing auditors missed one of their deadlines

 

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023

Me: Here are Q2 STIGs for 2024

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023

Me: 2023 Q3 STIGs were submitted last year.  You can find them at...

Auditor: Those STIGs are dated last year

Me: STIGs are dated when they were submitted

Auditor: We need STIGs with a recent date

Me: Here are Q2 STIGs for 2024

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023 but dated recently

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

41 minutes ago, devnull said:

 

Where I work, STIGs are submitted quarterly

 

On more than one occasion, some paper pushing auditors missed one of their deadlines

 

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023

Me: Here are Q2 STIGs for 2024

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023

Me: 2023 Q3 STIGs were submitted last year.  You can find them at...

Auditor: Those STIGs are dated last year

Me: STIGs are dated when they were submitted

Auditor: We need STIGs with a recent date

Me: Here are Q2 STIGs for 2024

Auditor: We need Q3 STIGs from 2023 but dated recently

 

Ours are submitted weekly.  

 

And, of course, they don't change weekly.  I submit the same package every week.  WITH &#%$ING SCREEN SHOTS!!!!!

 

I hate these people.  I really do.  They're the Miami Dolphins of the IT world.

[Fansince88]

At work today I was reconciling an order and saw this on a packing list. Wow, @Crap Throwing Clavin, I didnt know. What flavor is it?

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

1 hour ago, Fansince88 said:

At work today I was reconciling an order and saw this on a packing list. Wow, @Crap Throwing Clavin, I didnt know. What flavor is it?

 

Lemon-cucumber curry.

[Foxx]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry that I got this absolutely correct on the first try...

 

[B-Man]

 

 

 

.

[Ann]

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

11 hours ago, B-Man said:

 

 

 

.

 

A Ma Deuce weighs a good 80 lbs, before you add the ammo.  It'll top out at 100 lbs or more.  No way in hell a T-Rex is carrying one with those stumpy forearms.

 

Clearly fake.

[devnull]

7 hours ago, Crap Throwing Clavin said:

 

A Ma Deuce weighs a good 80 lbs, before you add the ammo.  It'll top out at 100 lbs or more.  No way in hell a T-Rex is carrying one with those stumpy forearms.

 

Clearly fake.

 

Could be strapped to his back

 

And I gotta wonder how much damage Ma Deuce would do to a T-Rex.  If it took 30 seconds to bring down a Khandar Giant

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

On 6/13/2024 at 2:54 PM, Crap Throwing Clavin said:

Been dealing with security audits for the past two months...

 

Auditor: "We need screen shots to prove this isn't a security finding."

 

Me: Screen shots of what?

 

"Whatever proves this isn't a finding."

*Sends screen shots of code*

 

"That won't work.  We need different screen shots."

 

But of what???

 

 

"Just send us screen shots!!!!"  

 

 

Jesus &#%$ing wept, these people.    I'm going to send them a screenshot of the t-shirt I'm having made: "Save a Solutions Architect, Shoot an Auditor."

 

Auditors: "Describe the security controls on your operating system."

 

There is no operating system.  This is a platform-as-a-service cloud hosted application.  We have no operating system access.

 

"Then how do host your application?"

 

In a PaaS cloud service offering.

 

"What's that operating system."

 

It's not an operating system.

 

For SIX GODDAMN WEEKS.

 

Finally today...

 

"Describe your application operating system."

 

There isn't one, it's a PaaS service offering.  Here's how that works.

 

"Oh...so there is no operating system!  It's in the cloud!"

 

Yes.

 

"So we should audit the service offering?"

 

That's a bingo!

 

"Okay...we need you to teach us the cloud, the Microsoft Azure cloud, then define our audit for us, then perform the audit for us."

 

Uh...no?  Hell, no!

 

"And we missed our deadline, so we need you to do this by next Friday."

 

 

[devnull]

On 6/27/2024 at 2:50 PM, Crap Throwing Clavin said:

 

Auditors: "Describe the security controls on your operating system."

 

Auditor:  Your proxy server blocks access to website categories "Abortion" and "Sex Education"

 

IT Dept:  Those categories do not serve a work function

 

Auditors:  You cannot restrict access to those categories

 

...

 

I set them to allow and while I'm I the console also open up access to Sports category

 

....

 

Auditor final report recommends blocking access to Sports category

 

[Crap Throwing Clavin]

On 6/27/2024 at 2:50 PM, Crap Throwing Clavin said:

 

Auditors: "Describe the security controls on your operating system."

 

There is no operating system.  This is a platform-as-a-service cloud hosted application.  We have no operating system access.

 

"Then how do host your application?"

 

In a PaaS cloud service offering.

 

"What's that operating system."

 

It's not an operating system.

 

For SIX GODDAMN WEEKS.

 

Finally today...

 

"Describe your application operating system."

 

There isn't one, it's a PaaS service offering.  Here's how that works.

 

"Oh...so there is no operating system!  It's in the cloud!"

 

Yes.

 

"So we should audit the service offering?"

 

That's a bingo!

 

"Okay...we need you to teach us the cloud, the Microsoft Azure cloud, then define our audit for us, then perform the audit for us."

 

Uh...no?  Hell, no!

 

"And we missed our deadline, so we need you to do this by next Friday."

 

 

Today:

 

"Describe the security controls on your operating system."

 

[KD in CA]

Nothing on TV….so I stop for a moment at an old rerun of the ESPY courage awards, speeches by Jim Valvano, Stu Scott, etc, and who is that standing off to the side while Craig Sager is speaking a few months before his death in 2016??

 

Why it’s Mr Joe Biden, looking almost young enough to be the President.

 

😒

[B-Man]

 

 

 

 

[Taro T]

PSA announcement.  If you are starting to nod off, DON'T go thumbing through some E-bay searches.  Just got lucky - my thumb apparently decided to place a bid on an item (it was WAY more than the item is worth) but, here's the lucky part, the seller has had this item listed at a price about 3x what the item is worth and had the accidental bid autorejected because it was only for about 180% of what the item should go for.

 

Good thing the seller seems to be greedy.  Nearly woke up to a big shock.  It was disconcerting enough to wake up to "the seller has rejected your offer, would you like to make another offer."